Whoever Read This Died

This transcription is long overdue. Caitlyn and I bought some cheap henna at a little Middle Eastern store and the directions are hilarious. Here they are:


New 2001 BeautyKone Henna Paste

This is nature's invaluable for women. All sensible women therefore use beauty paste on all ceremonial occasions for the beautification of the skin of their hands and feet.

HOW TO USE BEAUTY

1- Before using beauty, clean your hands and feet with soap.
2- There is no need to use any cream or oil, before or after using beauty.
3- Remove the cap on the mouth of the tube by rotating it then turn the same cap and put it on the mouth of the tube and press so that the seal on the mouth of the tube open up.
4- When the mouth of the tube of the beauty is opened, fix up the extra nozzle, placed along with tube, on the mouth of the tube by revolving it slowly then make hole on the tip of the nozzle with allpin or a needle (never cut the tip of the nozzle with a scissors or a blade) so that you may be able to make the finest design.
5- Press the tube of beauty slowly and evenly then make the desired design with the beauty coming out from the tip of the nozzle.
6- Whenever during the making of design on hands and feet beauty suddenly out from the hole of the nozzle please clear the hole of the nozzle with allpin or a needle so that the beauty restarts coming out of the hole of the nozzle.
7- During using the beauty see that you go on folding the beneath upwards as the tube go on become empty so that you do not feel pain in your hands or fingers due to continued pressing of the tube.
8 - Having decorated your hands or feet or with beauty as desired let the beauty be dried on your hands or feet thoroughly and when dried clean your hands and feet by water only.
9- Now you will see that the hands and feet on which you had applied the beauty for beautification and charm gradually observe it and finally become extremely beautiful and charming.

Every buyer of the beauty is requested not to place it in warm place protect it from sun and if possible keep it in a refrigerator so that its high standard remains unaffected.

Homeland Security

Today at work, I was witness to a severe crisis situation. A fat, borderline obese woman fell on her ass when she slipped in a puddle of water. A crowd of at least fifteen people surrounded her, and the authorities were called. Ten minutes later, two security guards, two policemen, two EMTs, and FOUR FIREMEN were at the scene. I wish I had a camera phone, because the sheer number of emergency personell was hilarious. They finally hoisteted her out of here, and now I'm blogging about it (still at work; love my job) because I have nothing else to watch unfold. I bet the obese have to deal with similarly embarassing situations all the time. It got me thinking about the physics of obesity, and how when your body is shaped like a mushroom cloud, falling really is an emergency.

I was just reading through my Word document full of quotes I deemed saveworthy, and realized that some of them may not have ever gotten the love they deserved. Yes, I keep creepy records of funny things I hear. Just trust me...you said it.

“I knew even then that under all those wigs and those fabulous gowns there was a conservative, republican computer analyst dying to be free.” –“See the Light” ex-gay-transvestite Christian convert

Monte from Pets Inc- “I love Queen. They’re pretty good for a fag band.”
Me- “I have no response to that.”
Monte- “What? You knew he was gay, right? I mean, he died of AIDS.”

Me- "I wish there was a word for what I am."
Alex- "There is, it's n00b."

Me- “Put on a cartoon!”
Caitlyn- “No! We’re watching the Middle East!”

Brian- "Now I have to do ten page papers on things that shouldn't be explained."

Alex1357: hard to enjoy yourself because you judge things with your POWERFUL INTELLECT!

Andy- "Few things suck more than being sex positive and ugly."

Me- "This guy started talking to me at Whole Foods."
Caitlyn- "Where at? The produce?"

Old Love Sac Customer Guy- "(something about fathers day)...My dad lives pretty far away, in Chicago."
Me- "Yeah, my dad lives far away too. He lives in Jersey."
Guy- "Oh, cool."
later...
Guy- "So did all of your people get out of the World Trade Center alright?"

Andy- "I have a running policy of 'don't fuck conservatives.'"

Caitlyn- "Saying you're going to change someone is awful. But if you actaully do it that's just precious."

Alex- "I can honestly say I have never had a penis in my mouth. Can you?"

1. This was cleverly hidden inside an article about the minutiae of the use of animals in biomedical research. I think it was meant to show how few animals are killed in research, but I don't know...maybe I'm crazy...but all I see is the ridiculously vast number of animals people eat. At least in the late 80's. The number used in research has gone down since then (because of an increasing number of scientifically valid alternatives to animal subjects, which I REALLY don't want to discuss) but the number of animals killed per year for food has gone up.




2. This exists. Someone bought one and put it up in the cat shelter. I had no idea those ladies were so self-aware. They're all fine ladies, but many of them do indeed dip their toes into the pool of crazicatladiness. They personify the cats way too much. They leave a little radio in each of the cats' rooms on all the time, presumably so they don't get lonely. Not only are cats mostly solitary animals, but smooth jazz would hardly satisfy their need for companionship even if they weren't. Besides, they get plenty of attention from the volunteers all the time. Also, they insist on leaving night lights on for each cat. Cats have fricking night vision. BUT that having been said, if you can I beg you to give a pledge donation for the Bowl-A-Rama. The link is below. We do definitely make a difference, and besides, it's kind of embarrassing how few donations I've gotten compared to the other people on the team... :/

Hello, fine people. As you may or may not know, I volunteer at a no-kill animal shelter called R.E.S.C.U.E. every week. We go directly to local animal control centers, take in animals from their euthanazia lists, and take care of them until we can place them in new homes. I'm participating in this fundraiser we're doing called Bowl-A-Rama. If you feel like donating to support R.E.S.C.U.E. (damn that's annoying to type!) and also, of course, to support my bowlage, it would be sincerely appreciated. All the money goes straight to helping the fuzzies, also, as we're a completely voluteer-run organization.

If you want to make a pledge/donation, there are two ways to do it. For cash or check donations, contact me and I can take them. Otherwise, you can make an easy, online credit card pledge at www.azrescue.org. All you have to do is follow the Bowl-A-Rama link and choose my team, THE FURBALL FAMILY.

Thanks in advance for your awesome!

Mallika, my favorite fuzzy. She rams her head rather violently onto your hand, which kind of rules.

I finally got a job! I am now employed at Love Sac. Although it sounds like a strip joint or a spank bank or something, it is thankfully not. I will be selling giant beanbag furniture. No more parasitism for me! I will now be a contributing member of society... by doing my homework and watching movies on huge beanbags. I am ridiculously pleased.

I found a new place to live! Moving is so intoxicating to me for some reason. Check this place out...it is yuppie central. A pool table, a pool, the smell of fresh paint, the safest damn neighborhood ever, and two adorable little dogs named Gizmo and Gidget. It's a bit far from campus and I won't be getting my fortress of Shellitude, but that's worth a few hundred dollars a month to me for sure. I am pleased.